Wow, Matthew. Mommy had completely forgotten about this blog I started all these years ago. It is now 2016 and you are 9 years old. Life is so different from what we ever thought. Your sweet daddy died October 5, 2012 and it's been you and I through thick and thin. We live in Ocean Springs, MS now, near Nana and Papa and you go to the same elementary school your daddy went to. You are looking more and more like him every day. It's amazing. You are funny and always joking, just like your daddy. You are so smart and doing so well in school. Mommy is so proud of you. You hope to be a "Lego engineer/ set designer" someday and work at the Lego headquarters in Denmark. If anyone can do it, it's you. The world is wide buddy and anything is possible. We know that for sure. I love you more than anything in this world, you are my everything. I will do better with this blog. I love you sweetheart.

How He Loves

Matthew, I have another song for you. God really speaks to me through music,as I've told you. A lot of times I keep hearing songs over and over on the radio and finally I'll sit down and really listen to them and hear what God is trying to tell me. Well that's how this song is/was for me. For two weeks every time I turned around I heard this song. Finally I sat down and looked up the words and really listened to it. I think God knows what I need to hear and be reminded of at different times in my life. The song I shared with you last week had a strong message of hope and that is what I desperately needed, and still do. This one reminds me of God's love. I didn't think I really needed to be reminded of that until this weekend when I really listened to the words. It is so easy to think of love in human terms, the way humans love. But God's love isn't like that. His love is different than anything we will ever know on earth. We can try to imitate His love, and are commissioned to do so. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (John 13:34) But God's love is the greatest of all. And he doesn't love the way many humans do. That is what I needed to be reminded of. What does this song remind you of? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI Here are the words, "How He Loves", by David Crowder Band.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,


Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we?re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don?t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way?

Before the Morning

Matthew, I want to share this song with you. I had heard it and not paid much attention to it, but then Noni, sent me the lyrics and a link to listen to the song. Just heard it on the radio again. This song gives me a lot of hope, hope for me, hope for us. This is Josh Wilson- "Before the Morning". Here's the link to listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZDQzR8LK-c&feature=related . We're going to make it boo bear.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Prayer

You said the prayer at dinner tonight. Here is what you said,

"Dear God,
Thank you for Mommy getting better.
Help our family be together.
And help me not to spill my milk.
Amen"

The first two sentences made me cry. And the last one made me smile. God hears your prayers sweetheart. Always.

Being a mom

The hardest thing about being a mom is watching your child suffer- in any way, be it physically or emotionally or whatever. When you hurt, I hurt. And I hurt bad. I know your little heart is breaking over the break-up of our family. I know you don't understand it. This weekend you were having a tantrum over getting your hair brushed and when I asked you what was really wrong you finally said, "Mommy, I just want you to live with me again". That broke my heart boo bear. I know you are hurting. Mommy is hurting too and even more so because you are hurting. This morning when I took you to school another little kid was being mean to you and it made me so mad. I tried to take up for you and when he started smart mouthing me, you took up for me! You were so good though- you weren't mean at all to this little boy. It breaks my heart that at three years old you are having to deal with bullies and kids being mean to you. I see them say things to you, and I want to put a protective bubble around you. I don't want anything to crush your spirit. I don't want anything to hurt you. It tears me to shreds to see you hurt. And this morning, that little boy, I know he is three and doesn't know what is going on for you at home, or that you have special needs and that to initiate play is HUGE for you, I know he doesn't know or understand that. It killed me to leave you in that classroom though. I felt like I was leaving a precious little lamb to be devoured by wolves. I have worried about you all day. I wonder if I should take you out of school. I worry what this is doing to your spirit and your self-esteem and all. I just don't want you to hurt. I know that it is human though. And I know I can't protect you from it. But it is so hard. It is definitely the hardest thing about being a mom. I love you my precious little angel. I admire your spirit. Keep fighting the good fight and know you are surrounded by love and support.

Future

Hey buddy. I haven't written on your blog in awhile because I don't know what to write. I don't know what the future of your blog will be. I started the blog writing about the journey of "Three Halsteads". Well it seems as though that journey may have ended. And it's not what I want buddy. I want it to be the three of us. Please believe that I do and I am fighting for that. But it takes all parties to make it work. This is tearing me up inside. But you need to know that whether this turns into the journey of "two Halsteads" or miraculously goes back to three, you are loved immensely. Your daddy and I love you so much and whatever happens between the two of us will never effect our love for you or you being taken care of. I PROMISE. You are one loved little boy. Everyone loves you Matthew, even the people you meet on the street- you have a charm and a way with people that make people smile and their heart beat for you. You are one incredible little boy. I told you in another note that none of our problems has to do with you and I want to tell you that again. And please know that I am still hoping for the three of us. I am not giving up. But no matter what happens, you will always be loved and cared for. And we will see what happens with the blog. It is painful for me to get on here and see what we used to have. But even if it becomes a journey of two, we have each other and our love and it will still be an adventure. And most importantly God is still in control. We just have to trust in him boo bear. We will make it through. I love you.

Labor Day Weekend

Hey sugar bear! Mommy had such a fun Labor Day weekend with you!! Saturday we went to "Aunt" Shelli's house to spend the weekend with her, Lizzy and Bradley. We had so much fun! Saturday we did some shopping, had lunch and went to arts & crafts. Then we decided to take you to play miniature golf for the first time. Oh my goodness, it will be a couple years before I ever do that again!! You lost interest pretty quickly and were not making good choices when it came to listening and staying with us! We chased you all over! I think you were just really tired, hungry and thirsty. It was definitely a memorable experience though! Here are a few pictures I got of you and Lizzy before the craziness began!

When we got back from golfing, Mr. Bradley thought you might like to see his car- a "real live Hot Wheel"!!! Oh my goodness, you were starstruck! Love at first sight! You were sooooo excited to meet a "real live Hot Wheel". It was absolutely precious! You wanted me to take your picture with his car over and over again. And every time we would come out of their house you wanted to run over and see it and have your picture taken with it! So cute! You said it "looked like honey" with it's yellow color and a new nickname for Bradley's car has been born! I'm sure he's thrilled with it! Ha Ha!

We spent the night in Lizzy's pink room (thanks for letting us have your bed Liz!) and woke up ready to go Sunday morning! We had a busy morning playing on the playground, feeding the ducks and swimming. You loved every second of it and played hard! Mr. Bradley made you a fabulous PB&J for lunch (what you wanted!) and you gulped it down and then proceeded to eat pizza with the rest of us! You worked up an appetite! We did a little more shopping and then came home. You and Lizzy both fell asleep on the trip back, but I promised Lizzy I wouldn't post the pictures of her asleep (hey, I've been 12 before too!), but here is a sweet one of you two right after she woke up.

We both slept well Sunday night! Monday we played hard and did a lot of snuggling. We built another incredible Mommy-Matthew train track! Mommy was really proud of this one- we managed to get all the buildings connected too! And this afternoon you made me laugh- you were running around the house shouting "Ka-boo, Ka-boo!" with your arms stretched out in front of you. I asked you if you were playing Superheros and you said, "No Mommy, I'm just Ka-booing!" You always make me laugh! Fun memories! I had a really fun weekend with you sweet pea and can't wait for the next one!