Letter to Matthew- Today

Today is all we are ever promised. We have to make the most of each moment. Ugh. Matthew, I want to be all wise and mom-ish and all, but I have to be honest with you. Someday you'll know all this anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter if I write about it. You were born into a very honest family and I have no intention on you being raised around family secrets or anything. So here is what's really on my heart today. I miss you. Your dad and I aren't living together right now. In fact Mommy just got out of the hospital yesterday. Mommy has been in a lot of treatment for anorexia and that's what this last hospitalization was for. But Matthew, please know baby how bad I am fighting this. With everything I have. Literally sweating and crying and gritting my teeth through it. Especially now. Now that I've come so close to losing it all. Being you and your daddy. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do for you and your daddy and I guess that was the swift kick that I needed to get things moving for me. I have been stuck for so long.

Baby, I am so sorry you are having to suffer through this with us right now. I wish I could put a protective shield around you but all I can do is take care of you best I can and pray that God do the rest. I know you don't understand why mommy doesn't live at home right now and to be honest mommy doesn't really understand how it all ended up here either. Just know that your daddy and I (and all the rest of your biological and church family) love you with all our hearts. You have NEVER done anything wrong and never been the cause of ANY of my problems or daddy's problems. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are at school right now, hopefully napping. I am crying, missing you. I have an Amy Grant song "Missing You" running through my head all day when I think about you. "Missing you is just a part of livin' and missing you feels like a way of life. I'm living out the life that I've been given, but baby I still wish, you were mine." Matthew, you will always be my baby, whether we live under the same roof or not. No matter what happens here on this earth, we will always be together in the next. Remember we are only promised each day. But if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to know that your mommy loved you beyond heaven and earth. To infinity and beyond. And I adore you more than anything in this world. And that NONE of this is your fault or has to do with you. NONE. I love you baby.