How He Loves

Matthew, I have another song for you. God really speaks to me through music,as I've told you. A lot of times I keep hearing songs over and over on the radio and finally I'll sit down and really listen to them and hear what God is trying to tell me. Well that's how this song is/was for me. For two weeks every time I turned around I heard this song. Finally I sat down and looked up the words and really listened to it. I think God knows what I need to hear and be reminded of at different times in my life. The song I shared with you last week had a strong message of hope and that is what I desperately needed, and still do. This one reminds me of God's love. I didn't think I really needed to be reminded of that until this weekend when I really listened to the words. It is so easy to think of love in human terms, the way humans love. But God's love isn't like that. His love is different than anything we will ever know on earth. We can try to imitate His love, and are commissioned to do so. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (John 13:34) But God's love is the greatest of all. And he doesn't love the way many humans do. That is what I needed to be reminded of. What does this song remind you of? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI Here are the words, "How He Loves", by David Crowder Band.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,


Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we?re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don?t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way?

Before the Morning

Matthew, I want to share this song with you. I had heard it and not paid much attention to it, but then Noni, sent me the lyrics and a link to listen to the song. Just heard it on the radio again. This song gives me a lot of hope, hope for me, hope for us. This is Josh Wilson- "Before the Morning". Here's the link to listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZDQzR8LK-c&feature=related . We're going to make it boo bear.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Prayer

You said the prayer at dinner tonight. Here is what you said,

"Dear God,
Thank you for Mommy getting better.
Help our family be together.
And help me not to spill my milk.
Amen"

The first two sentences made me cry. And the last one made me smile. God hears your prayers sweetheart. Always.

Being a mom

The hardest thing about being a mom is watching your child suffer- in any way, be it physically or emotionally or whatever. When you hurt, I hurt. And I hurt bad. I know your little heart is breaking over the break-up of our family. I know you don't understand it. This weekend you were having a tantrum over getting your hair brushed and when I asked you what was really wrong you finally said, "Mommy, I just want you to live with me again". That broke my heart boo bear. I know you are hurting. Mommy is hurting too and even more so because you are hurting. This morning when I took you to school another little kid was being mean to you and it made me so mad. I tried to take up for you and when he started smart mouthing me, you took up for me! You were so good though- you weren't mean at all to this little boy. It breaks my heart that at three years old you are having to deal with bullies and kids being mean to you. I see them say things to you, and I want to put a protective bubble around you. I don't want anything to crush your spirit. I don't want anything to hurt you. It tears me to shreds to see you hurt. And this morning, that little boy, I know he is three and doesn't know what is going on for you at home, or that you have special needs and that to initiate play is HUGE for you, I know he doesn't know or understand that. It killed me to leave you in that classroom though. I felt like I was leaving a precious little lamb to be devoured by wolves. I have worried about you all day. I wonder if I should take you out of school. I worry what this is doing to your spirit and your self-esteem and all. I just don't want you to hurt. I know that it is human though. And I know I can't protect you from it. But it is so hard. It is definitely the hardest thing about being a mom. I love you my precious little angel. I admire your spirit. Keep fighting the good fight and know you are surrounded by love and support.

Future

Hey buddy. I haven't written on your blog in awhile because I don't know what to write. I don't know what the future of your blog will be. I started the blog writing about the journey of "Three Halsteads". Well it seems as though that journey may have ended. And it's not what I want buddy. I want it to be the three of us. Please believe that I do and I am fighting for that. But it takes all parties to make it work. This is tearing me up inside. But you need to know that whether this turns into the journey of "two Halsteads" or miraculously goes back to three, you are loved immensely. Your daddy and I love you so much and whatever happens between the two of us will never effect our love for you or you being taken care of. I PROMISE. You are one loved little boy. Everyone loves you Matthew, even the people you meet on the street- you have a charm and a way with people that make people smile and their heart beat for you. You are one incredible little boy. I told you in another note that none of our problems has to do with you and I want to tell you that again. And please know that I am still hoping for the three of us. I am not giving up. But no matter what happens, you will always be loved and cared for. And we will see what happens with the blog. It is painful for me to get on here and see what we used to have. But even if it becomes a journey of two, we have each other and our love and it will still be an adventure. And most importantly God is still in control. We just have to trust in him boo bear. We will make it through. I love you.

Labor Day Weekend

Hey sugar bear! Mommy had such a fun Labor Day weekend with you!! Saturday we went to "Aunt" Shelli's house to spend the weekend with her, Lizzy and Bradley. We had so much fun! Saturday we did some shopping, had lunch and went to arts & crafts. Then we decided to take you to play miniature golf for the first time. Oh my goodness, it will be a couple years before I ever do that again!! You lost interest pretty quickly and were not making good choices when it came to listening and staying with us! We chased you all over! I think you were just really tired, hungry and thirsty. It was definitely a memorable experience though! Here are a few pictures I got of you and Lizzy before the craziness began!

When we got back from golfing, Mr. Bradley thought you might like to see his car- a "real live Hot Wheel"!!! Oh my goodness, you were starstruck! Love at first sight! You were sooooo excited to meet a "real live Hot Wheel". It was absolutely precious! You wanted me to take your picture with his car over and over again. And every time we would come out of their house you wanted to run over and see it and have your picture taken with it! So cute! You said it "looked like honey" with it's yellow color and a new nickname for Bradley's car has been born! I'm sure he's thrilled with it! Ha Ha!

We spent the night in Lizzy's pink room (thanks for letting us have your bed Liz!) and woke up ready to go Sunday morning! We had a busy morning playing on the playground, feeding the ducks and swimming. You loved every second of it and played hard! Mr. Bradley made you a fabulous PB&J for lunch (what you wanted!) and you gulped it down and then proceeded to eat pizza with the rest of us! You worked up an appetite! We did a little more shopping and then came home. You and Lizzy both fell asleep on the trip back, but I promised Lizzy I wouldn't post the pictures of her asleep (hey, I've been 12 before too!), but here is a sweet one of you two right after she woke up.

We both slept well Sunday night! Monday we played hard and did a lot of snuggling. We built another incredible Mommy-Matthew train track! Mommy was really proud of this one- we managed to get all the buildings connected too! And this afternoon you made me laugh- you were running around the house shouting "Ka-boo, Ka-boo!" with your arms stretched out in front of you. I asked you if you were playing Superheros and you said, "No Mommy, I'm just Ka-booing!" You always make me laugh! Fun memories! I had a really fun weekend with you sweet pea and can't wait for the next one!

Technology Whiz

Yes, you are your daddy's boy and you are a technology whiz. You continue to amaze me every day with your knowledge of how things work. Months ago you astounded me that at just three years old you could get on the computer and get to your computer games, not only play them by yourself but navigate around the website all by yourself! Well tonight you did it again. You my friend, taught me, your 32-year old mom, how to play games on daddy's Droid. And you're only three! I can't get over it. At one point you were actually moving my fingers to the right places to push and all because I was confused. I just have to shake my head in amazement at you! You are one technical whiz! Definitely your daddy's boy! Here are some pictures of you on Daddy's Droid tonight playing games. (Daddy took these on his other Droid....don't ask!)

In this one you look just like your daddy. And thanks for teaching me how to use the Droid boo bear! I know I'll need your help in the coming years (what the heck, I need your help now!)

Camera Phones

Yes, camera phones. They are nothing new. We have had cameras on our phones since before you were born. They are pretty much standard on phones now. But oh my, have they come a long way! Daddy took you to the park yesterday and these are some of the pictures he took on his phone. Better than what we get on our camera! I can't imagine where technology will be when you are old enough to care about this blog- you will probably roll your eyes at my amazement! But I am completely blown away by these pictures your daddy took of you....on his phone!!!

Quotes of the Day

You have had us in stitches all weekend boo bear!!! Today Noni and I were resting quietly while you were playing nicely. I was stretched out on one of the couches and you come up and are stroking my hair and say, "Don't worry Mommy, I am NOT going to cut your hair!" I was wide awake then! Haha! Then this afternoon we take you to Target and when we pull into the parking lot you say, "Mommy, if you are a good girl we can get me a toy!" You just seem to have things figured out huh? Thanks for always making me laugh boo!! I had a super fun weekend with you! I love you!

P.S.- Mommy was a very good girl and yes, you got a Hot Wheel!

Little Musician

Hey boo bear! Mommy sure had a fun night with you tonight!! I don't know why I have never done this with you before, but tonight we pulled out my violin from when I was a little girl and my guitar from when I was a teenager. You absolutely LOVED playing music. You had so much fun singing and strumming and, sawing (on the violin). You played the guitar and sang "Jesus Loves Me" very sweetly. Then your song turned to "Curious George loves me, the Bible tells me so" and by the end of the night it was "Jesus loves me and wants me to have a toy, the Bible tells me so". I love so much your songs! You came up with some kind of interesting folk sounding songs too. Mommy enjoyed our special, musical time together so much!!

Here you enjoyed playing both at once. You started kicking your feet too so I guess you probably could have played a drum with your feet if we'd had one! A one-man band!

We had a really fun night together, sharing music! I love you Matthew!!!

My hero Amy Grant- I'm a "Grant-head"

Yes, Amy Grant. Everyone knows how I am with Amy Grant and I guess it's time I let you in on my madness also. I am the biggest hugest fan of Amy Grant. I grew up listening to Amy Grant. She was the music of my childhood. I remember my first purple boombox and listening to her cassette tapes on there...I remember Aunt Carrie and I rollerskating to her in my grandmother's backyard...I remember Noni returning a cassette tape of Amy's that we gave her for her birthday because she thought it was too "rockish". We all have grown and evolved with Amy. We watched her go from a awkward teenager singing boldly about her faith with an acoustic guitar to a young woman jumping around a stage with electric guitars and a leopard-print jacket. Yikes! It's so funny to me now, but this was so hard for the Christian community to swallow back then. Amy continued to grow and she had babies and weathered the tough stuff in life- a divorce and depression- and celebrated life's sweetness with a new marriage and a new baby. Amy is approaching her 50th birthday now. I can't believe it. She is still making music and I am still one of her crazy followers. Her music is so honest and true. She can be so raw sometimes and her music tells her story. I think it tells everyone's stories though. A lot is just about life. And as I have passed through stages she has written music from, and listen to that music again- now as someone in that same stage of life- it means ever more to me. My all-time favorite album is "Behind the Eyes". This album came out right before my sophomore year of college and is so honest. It speaks of hope and it speaks of pain. I have been in stages of life where I could identify with many of these songs and I find I am in a stage again where these songs really can grasp my struggles. I wrote about "Missing You" the other day- that is on this album. So is "Takes a Little Time" which I need to remember right now. "Cry a River" is good for my welled-up soul. "Somewhere Down the Road" leads the way as songs of hope on this album. For years "Turn this World Around" was probably my "theme" song. I guess an all-time favorite. But favorites change all the time based on what I'm going through in life. She has another song called "Say" that came on a bonus album that I love also. But here are the words to your mom's "theme" song- "Turn This World Around" (later my theme turns to a different song- "Believe", but that's later in the post)

We are all the same it seems

Behind the eyes
Broken promises and dreams
In good disguise
All we're really looking for is somewhere
Safe and warm
The shelter of each other in the storm

[Chorus:]
Maybe one day
We can turn and face our fears
Maybe one day
We can reach out through our tears
After all it's really not that far
To where hope can be found
Maybe one day
We can turn this world around

Who can trace the path of time
Not you or me
The twisting road we call our lives
We cannot see
The hunger and the longing everyone of us
Knows inside
Could be the bridge between us if we try

[Chorus]

I guess that is the social worker in your mom. The optimist in me. It's a simple song, yet so true. Anyway. I love that song.

So, on August 19, 1995 your Aunt Carrie, her boyfriend at the time, and I went to an Amy Grant concert. I took a bouquet of flowers for Amy and through a series of security guards, finally the flowers made it back to Amy. This was an outdoor concert and halfway through it started storming like crazy. Bad bad thunderstorm. Part of the concert was covered. Like the stage and the good seats and all. So despite the thunder and lightning, Amy continued to play. We were in the seats at the very back- the uncovered ones. Pretty soon we were all by ourselves in the pouring down rain, but we were having such a great time standing on the seats and singing our hearts out. And then I hear...."I want to dedicate this next song to Kelly...if you've survived the rain out there!" Oh my goodness!!!! I about fell off the seat I was standing on. I ran up by the stage and was screaming "That's me! That's me!", but of course she couldn't hear me or anything. The kind security guards who had taken the flowers back to Amy remembered me and allowed me to stay up by the stage for my song before ushering me back into the rain. The song she dedicated to me was "Wise Up" which was/is one of her older songs off her "Unguarded" album. (This was her "House of Love" tour)Kind of an ironic song she dedicated to me. You'll see. But anyway, hear are the words:

Got myself in this situation
I'm not sure about
Climbing in where there's temptation
Can I get back out
I never can quite find the answer
The one I want to hear
The one that justifies my action
Says the coast is clear
something on the outside
Says to jump on in
Something on the inside
Is telling me again

[Chorus:]
Better wise up
Better think twice
Never leave room for compromise
You better wise up
Better get smart
And use your head to guard your heart
It's gonna get rough
So you better wise up

Take a look at your intentions
When you have to choose
Could it be that aprehension
Might be telling you
To back off now is better
So take your heart and run
But get your thoughts together
Before they come undone

[Chorus]

To back off now is better
So take your heart and run
But get your thoughts together
Before they come undone

[Chorus]

Better wise up...

Cool huh? THEN, October of 2005 came around. My brain-dead brain can't quite remember the exact date- but it was the 19-21stish or something around there. If I was at our house I could tell you- but anyway. I was a member of her online fan club and my name got drawn to get to meet Amy after a concert!!! Oh my goodness!!! My dream come true. I always said that someday I would get to meet her and that day was then. Being a guy, you won't apreciate how agonizing picking out the clothes for this occasion was, but any woman reading will understand. Then there was sitting through the concert. Which was AMAZING by the way!!! And then waiting to meet Amy afterwards. Your daddy waited with me patiently to be let into the room where Amy was and survived numerous brain screams as he met Amy fans that were even freakier than I am ("This is what we do!"), but finaly they let me back into the room. There she was. I couldn't contain myself. I buried my face in the shoulders of one of my new Amy-freak BFFs and let out a small scream. She was like, IN THE SAME ROOM!! Apparently while standing in the line to meet her I lost some color in my face and became weak as we got closer to Amy. Someone called for a chair and I was placed in it and told not to move- that they would bring Amy to me. (Apparently I really was going to be one of those fans that passed out!) I will never forget Amy coming over and extending her hand to me "Hey! It's so nice to meet you!" me- "Can I hug you?" Amy- "Of course! Wait! (I'm trying to get up at this point) I'll come to you." And she knelt down and gave me the biggest greatest hug ever. (I do have it captured on film somewhere). Then she helped me stand up to take some pictures, sign a few things and it was over. My glorious few moments with Amy was over- but they will live forever in my memory. Someday I hope to be able to scan the pictures to put on here. Amy had a new song then, "Believe" and that has been my favorite song ever since that time. Also my favorite word (if you haven't noticed all the "Believe" stuff all over the house and stuff!) Here are the words for "Believe" (my past five-years theme song) :

Would you think that I was crazy
If I said to you
I know a way that love can make
your wildest dreams come true
And all you have to do
Is

Believe
Miracles can happen
Just imagine
And believe
Open up your heart
The journey starts
When you believe

When you had enough
And givin' up has all but got you down
You sure could stand a helpin' hand
Get your feet back on the ground
Turn your world around
And

Believe
Miracles can happen
Just imagine
And believe
Open up your heart
The journey starts
When you believe

When your pride is tryin' to tell you
To do it by yourself
And you're running out of answers
And you need a little help

Believe
Miracles can happen
Just imagine
And believe
Open up your heart
The journey starts
When you believe

(If only you)
Just believe

Re-Cap: July 2010, Part 2

So sleep is not my friend tonight/ this morning. Not that I advocate giving up at things in life, but I am giving up on sleep for at least the next little bit! But that's all I am giving up on!! :)

So, shall we continue on in July?

The weekend after the 4th was girls' weekend!!! Yay!!! One of my favorite events of the year! Now I know what you're thinking...girls' weekend. I am a boy. What does this have to do with me? Well my little sugar plum, we have let you in on our trip! Every year Noni, Aunt Carrie and I go to the beach for a girls' trip and since you have come along you have been an honorary guest. We have always had so much fun! We go to Charleston every year and to Folly Beach. This year we had so much fun that we stayed an extra day and went to the aquarium too!!

So anyway, yeah, I know, cut to the pictures mom!!!

My little beach bum!!! You LOVE the sand and the water. You couldn't be happier hangin' on the beach! You got into some serious sand work this year (and what sand villages would be complete without Thomas, Lightning McQueen and Mater?!), charged into the ocean braver than ever, and tried out a boogie board for the first time! Wow!!

I love these- you enjoying the sand with Oreo cookie crumbs all over your face! Just very precious to me!

You were kind enough to take some time to play/ hang out with us too.

You enjoyed the hotel a lot

And here are some pictures from the aquarium. Mommy, being the good mommy that I am, even took you to see the snakes (I would say they are my all-time greatest fear, but given current circumstances, I'll just say they are right up there near the top!)

We got to pet a baby alligator- oh my was mommy ever a nervous wreck to let you get so close to him!

We had such a fun trip and you always make it so much more special!! What a special little guy you are to this family!!